Sometimes I wish this thing were anonymous but I have friends who check it occasionally. I guess I shouldn’t write at all if it’s something I’d be embarrassed to have linked to me; sort of like, you know you’re doing wrong when you have to hide it. This isn’t like that though. My problem stems from my puritanical upbringing. Okay, actually, my mom was pretty liberal but overall my pretty massive extended family and my ex-Marine, Republican dad probably wouldn’t approve of me writing this.

I am annoyingly divided about this issue—the one I haven’t mentioned yet. Oh well, here it goes. Sometimes I think about sex. I’m almost 24; it’s not scandalous or anything but I don’t often talk about it with anyone. The divisive thing: sometimes I say to myself, “These are your early 20s, the time to experiment and be sexually liberated” and then immediately following that semi-rational thought is “Why would I want to have sex? And potentially get pregnant or hurt? And really, it’s a waste of time trying to establish and maintain a healthy sexual relationship with someone. You have more important things to do.” How do I fight that? It’s so true. The voice that wins—the voice I always agree with—is the second one.

I see my friends in relationships, happily settled into things and I think that’s great. But I really don’t want that for myself yet…maybe not at all. When it comes down to it I am far too selfish to even want to take care of someone else or to factor them into the future that I haven’t even planned yet.

And then there’s also that there are zero contenders at this juncture. I mean, seriously, I am surrounded by women. I really prefer it that way. Guys are usually so competitive and loud and conversationally dominant; I am already all those things! Just kidding, I mean, definitely sometimes but I know how dull it can be to listen to that one person all night and start thinking to yourself, I could really say nothing for five minutes and this person wouldn’t even notice. Let’s test that. And it isn’t even satisfying to be right in this instance. That one person ruins everything.

Anyway, I know to cool it and also that I am not that interesting. I know how to have a conversation, mostly because my sister doesn’t and I don’t want to be like my sister. My sister also is a serial dater, which is another way I don’t want to be like my sister. I don’t want to be like my other sister either, who got married at 22 and had a baby at 24. They’re both relatively happy and I’m happy for them. I just don’t covet their lives. I don’t want that for myself.  As far as I can tell, it’s not narcissism. I’m not sitting here thinking I’m inherently better than them. It’s just not what I want.

Now I just have to figure out how to get what I want. Simple. I’ll just get some fairy dust, glue it to a magic wand, walk through a wardrobe and into a magic blue box. I estimate only a few more hours before the glue dries and then I’ll be off to the Magical Future of my Dreams!

Boy oh boy, did I lose track of my original topic. I’m the worst writer ever.